Changing Past Perceptions.

If we think we can change the past, we're incorrect. Let's just get that out there straight away. There are ways to better deal with things from the past though!

The saying 'History repeats itself' really means that if you don't get it now - give it time....you're going to get another shot at it.'

It can be both a blessing and a curse I'm sure - there are scenarios each of us would trade for a better outcome if we could - and there are those who will never get past all of the things that happened in the duration of their own lifetime......but carry on it does - and time waits for none of us.

I used to sit and wonder why all of the bad things in my life happened. What did I do? How was this my fault? Where did I go wrong on the highway of life?? After all....life is a highway - I'm supposed to be riding all night long, but I was tired....and I really stopped believing I had any control over it at one point.

Let's take an example of what I mean: I used to believe that every negative thing that happened in my life was the fault of someone else. I could play the blame game with the best of them - and I often found myself miserable and wishing things were different.

Someone once told me to break things down to their simplest form and go from there - so I did.

Once I grasped the concept that I had control of my life if I chose it, I was off and running with it! I had no more excuses. I learned faster and I actually did the things I had wanted to do forever. The most important thing? I relaxed. I didn't have to have people in my life who were a negative influence, no matter who they were. I didn't have to 'take that stuff' and I wasn't going to.

Now, let's not forget that although there are many relationships that didn't work out in my life (not just the romantic ones) - for whatever reason, I am not blameless by any means. We each have a role and responsibility to every relationship but I have come to understand that hanging on to this stuff isn't worth the unseen stress it causes.

Keep in mind there are levels to this and each one is dealt with differently.

For those that have caused harm - you probably never even knew it. If you did and still did not act or say anything, message received loud and clear too. No worries - life carries on and people have no time to reflect on the position you hold defending your actions. Happiness depends on nothing but ourselves and we are far too busy loving life to reflect on those things.

So why am I discussing this here?

We can never change what happened in the past, but we can alter the way we perceive the past in our present - this is the point.

Another example: If I harmed you in the past and you have been holding a long term grudge against me (because you hold a thought in your mind for a long period of time) - your perception of events is yours and only yours. I can't see it. I may not even be aware that I have said or done something to make you feel the way you do.

So you have this event in your mind - and thus, you have this perception of me in your mind because of the event. What do you do with it now?

Let me offer yet another example;

About a year ago, I was chatting online to an old friend. It had been years - and he reminded me of an incident when we went out to a restaurant. He said I had been extremely rude to the waiter and he remembered being shocked at how much 'harm' I had done to the staff simply with my words.

I was really shocked - I didn't remember that at all. I hardly remembered being at the restaurant - but I didn't doubt him for a second. I had gone through some of my life hurt and bitter. What I thought were 'my good reasons' had turned out to be nothing more than excuses so I could stay that way. I had a life to live and over time and many lessons learned, I got to it.


I then extended the thought - my friend had hung on to this memory for whatever reason - and it made him feel a certain negative way about me too. That wasn't a good thing.

My intentions in life have never ever been to harm anyone (I'm talking verbally for the most part unless you were in the same fight club I was......kidding....kidding....) - but when we are feeling pain or confusion about our lives we often don't see what we are doing to others. We just want them to see what we are feeling - but who can when the message is so messed up?

If we don't deal with our perceptions of the past, it will repeatedly rise up and repeat itself in our lives somehow. We have to figure out what to do with those 'memories' - and the feelings attached to them.
 So what do we do??

Some things that really worked for me;

1.> Talk about it. Find that person you trust to discuss things. The yucky way we feel in the present is what prevents us from moving forward to the next step of understanding the past. If you feel like you need more discretion than a friend - seek out the advice of a counsellor or therapist who ensures confidentiality.

2.> Find a creative outlet: Paint, write, sing, jog. Do anything that gets your emotions out of you and burns off that energy - heck, find an open field and scream until your lungs burn. I guarantee you'll feel better. They call it feral screaming - and it is a real therapy.

3.> Spend time alone: The reason that many of us really dislike spending time alone is because we are left with our own disorganized, confused thoughts about who we are (or maybe that was just me) and we don't know where we go from here. We can't stop thinking about things - negative things that 'keep us in one place.' It wasn't until I really spent time alone that I realized who the hell I was - and why - and who I would become.

4.> Be aware of your intentions and actions. It prevents negative perceptions/feelings of the past if we keep them positive.

As we age, we experience more and more of life. Some of it is life altering awesome and some of it not so - and some wouldn't be parts we'd choose to remember. If we could pick out the bad memories and throw them away, I'm sure most of us would.

It may take a little time (what doesn't) and practice but we can change the way we think. We can let go of all of those negative feelings and replace them.

I practice something called 'running over the memory.' We don't always remember everything that happened when we were experiencing life - so if a memory arises (or someone lets me know of one) that wasn't so great - I run it over. Run. It. Over.

I remind people that I'm not into collecting negative memories, so feel free to keep them to yourselves unless we really need to work something out - some folks forget and I sometimes hear something that I don't need to carry into my future. We all have these moments in our lives....

So once this 'new information' is squished into my brain, I have to do something with it - so I run it over with something else - something positive and present.

When my friend mentioned (not intending to harm me) that I had verbally abused a waiter years ago, I could either take it in and feel horrible (solving nothing but adding more negativity) or I could do something else.

I took the information and built a better version of myself so it never happened again. We constantly construct new, better versions of ourselves through choice, education and experiences.

Just like putting walkie talkies into cell phones, we can also take a step backwards if we don't do a little work on ourselves.

I was all about avoiding that......

Taking the time to know you can be whoever you choose is one thing - having to take responsibility for harming others may not seem like a big deal while you're harming them....but there will come a day when we all reflect on who we are and the things we've done. Make wise choices even if experience and education is yet to be on your side.

We all have something called common sense and we're all in this together. Rock your day!